Transforming Heartbreak: Understanding Attachment Styles and Conscious Uncoupling with Gabrielle Laurie

Discover how breakups, though often heart-wrenching, can become a powerful catalyst for personal transformation. Join me, Louise Wilkinson, as I sit down with renowned relationships therapist Gabrielle Laurie to unpack the intricate layers of grief that extend beyond just losing a romantic partner. From unraveling shared dreams to understanding the profound impact of attachment styles, we explore how these emotional undercurrents shape our healing journey. Gabrielle brings her wealth of knowledge and a blend of empathy and tough love to guide us through the often overlooked aspects of breakups, urging us to learn and grow from each experience.

Together, we navigate the often turbulent waters of attachment styles and trauma bonds, examining how these influence our responses to breakups. Gabrielle and I discuss the importance of adopting a child-focused approach during toxic separations to safeguard children's well-being. We also touch on the concept of conscious uncoupling, which encourages separating partners to foster cooperation and goodwill. This episode offers you practical advice and profound insights, designed to empower you to face heartbreak with self-awareness and emerge stronger and more resilient than before.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Heartbreak
• 9:24 Understanding Attachment Styles and Trauma Bonds

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Going through a breakup, Struggling with being all up in your feels, Finding it hard to get through the day. Heartbreak sucks and we've all been there. If you're in need of some life hacks on how to regulate your emotions, practically manage your life and how to rediscover yourself post-breakup, you've come to the right place. This is your roadmap to navigating out of this time in your life with intelligence, humour, sass and a little bit of tough love when you need it. Welcome to how To Hack your Heartbreak with your host, Louise Wilkinson.

Speaker 2: 0:51

Louise Wilkinson. Sometimes during the breakup process, our friends deliver us pearls of wisdom that sometimes we're not ready to hear, and it's very easy to be able to go listen. You don't know what you're talking about. Unfortunately for me, one of my friends is a qualified relationships therapist, so when she told me what I didn't want to hear at the time, I wasn't happy.

Speaker 3: 1:16

I remember that.

Speaker 2: 1:19

Gabrielle Laurie is one of my dearest friends and also a qualified relationships therapist, and today we're going to be talking about the thing that she told me very, very soon after my breakup. That I have since come to realize is absolute gold, and that is as much as you don't want to hear it. Breakups are a gift in growth. Gab, welcome to how to Hack your Heartbreak for the first time.

Speaker 3: 1:49

Thank you. I love that you're doing this.

Speaker 2: 1:51

Thank you. It has been very cathartic, but also it's been amazing. The information that we've put together. That has made a lot of what people are going through make a lot of sense. And this was a really hard one, a really hard pill for me to swallow, and I didn't want to hear it at the time and I was deep in my grief and I was like Gab, I don't want to hear it, but unfortunately you actually have a degree in this stuff, so I had to listen to you.

Speaker 3: 2:24

I don't know which bits you're referring to, but I remember dropping some Easter eggs along the way, maybe even after the first date you told me about.

Speaker 2: 2:37

That's true, that's true. Anyway, benefit of hindsight 2020. But look, here we are. Now I want you to explain to everybody what you actually mean when you say that breakups are a gift in growth, because it doesn't feel like a gift.

Speaker 3: 2:56

No, it can be one of the hardest things you'll ever go through and it can feel physically painful, as you know. Yeah, you can feel like you can get scary thoughts. Like you know, I'll never be in love like this with anyone else, or maybe I'll never find love again. I'll be alone forever, like you know, and at the time, these thoughts feel like facts.

Speaker 2: 3:20

Yes.

Speaker 3: 3:21

And it's terrifying, especially if you're. You know, for a lot of women I see that come to see me for therapy. If they have a breakup when they're 38 and they were hoping to have kids, then they've lost the whole fairy tale of family. Having a family, having a partner to raise a baby, with having to decide whether to have IVF or just miss out on having kids. You know, it's just. It can come like. Breakups can devastate people.

Speaker 2: 3:51

Absolutely, and I get what you're saying about that, because not only do you have your romantic partner, but there is also a whole world that you've created and that could involve each other's children, or it could involve family members that have become like your family, and so just all of that going in in a second, it's not just about that person. It can be about the whole life that you imagine going forward and how that was going to look. So your reality completely shifts in that moment.

Speaker 3: 4:25

Absolutely, and our brains are a social organ. We've got some pretty big threat responses to not belonging to the tribe. So if we've had a long relationship and we're friends with their friends and they're friends with our friends, and sometimes when a couple gets divorced, they're kind of left out of all the married couples' events, like they might take turns inviting you at first but you feel like the odd one out or the third wheel and divorced people can feel quite lonely and having to start all over again, making new friendships and I mean hopefully for some some best friendships survive and you can have that support forever, but they might still be busy with kids and their partner so they're time poor. So yeah, it's massive and you can see why people don't break up and they can stay in a miserable relationship forever yeah, I am just thinking back to actually my marriage breakup, and so that was 15 years ago now.

Speaker 2: 5:23

But I can remember, certainly, that we had some friends and and I was very good friends with the wife and my husband was very good friends with the husband, and I can remember the wife basically cutting me out and years later they actually separated and she actually came back and apologized. But at the time I honestly felt like I was the donkey with the broken leg who'd been left behind by the rest of the herd. So I completely get that feeling that it's more than just that romantic rupture. But what you actually got me to do because the soil is so rich for growth and there's so much that we can learn so I guess we have to sift over the wreckage and examine the black box and see, you know, what lessons we can actually take out of the relationship and the breakup. And one of the first things that you actually suggested that I do was have a look at attachment styles, because that would then make what I was going through perhaps make a bit more sense.

Speaker 3: 6:27

Yes, I think your childhood attachment style can really affect how you handle a breakup, and so it's easy enough to do a quiz. It is more complex than the simple quizzes that are out there. But unless you've got lots of childhood trauma and you need to see a therapist about it, you know they can help you work out things more like more ambivalent childhood attachment or the more tricky ones. But if you've got a basic anxious or avoidant or secure attachment and you can figure that out just by buying a good book called Attached I think it's by Amir, I'm not sure.

Speaker 2: 7:03

Amir Levine. Amir Levine.

Speaker 3: 7:05

Yeah, so that can help you. And then, if you go, okay, an anxious attached person in a breakup because sometimes they have approval-based self-esteem which is reliant on outside love rather than inner self-worth. They really don't cope well when they're rejected or abandoned in some way and it can trigger the primitive parts of their brain and they can actually be tempted to do really irrational impulsive things like key their ex's car if they're being cheated on, or really get revenge in some way or and this is not all anxious attached people. But it's good to be mindful, to go okay. If I've got anxious attachment, how about I go see a therapist, get some support, make sure I've got my group of friends, nonjudgmental people around me who love me, like really support yourself to feel more secure. If you don't have secure attachment, so and then secure attach people.

Speaker 3: 8:09

When they have a breakup they can feel just as devastated and heartbroken as an anxious person, but generally they've got enough inner self-worth that they won't let themselves act acted out yeah so so their inner adult will parent their inner child and go okay, yes, we want to key their car, but we're not going to do it because they're not worth ruining our lives over our broken heart. Yeah, absolutely. We will get over this, we will love again. They kind of have some more positive thoughts going on in their head.

Speaker 2: 8:40

Yeah, and that's I can sort of I'm throwing back to conversations that I sort of had was that you know, like I just you know I'll accept anything and I miss him and all that sort of thing, and then my voice would kick in which, as you're saying, in this scenario is like the parent. Yes, but let's look at this logically. There are all of these reasons why that shouldn't happen. And, yeah, so I can sort of see, but it is a bit of a tug of war, even though it's, you know, secure attachment sounds like the goal, but there is. It does have its own challenges, because there is that tug of war between head and heart, I guess.

Speaker 3: 9:19

Oh, absolutely. And you did amazing to stay in your secure, attached part. Like it's not easy because we all want to go into our psychopath when we're really hurt or if our former partner really broke our trust. Like it really triggers that primitive brain to go. You know, you've ejected me from the tribe, you've ruined our life and it's hard to regulate yourself. So, for instance, chimpanzees can fight to the death and what a beta male would do to an alpha male who's about to kill him is grab a female chimpanzee's baby and hold it in the male's face and then his testosterone goes down and he starts to regulate more and then the beta male is unlikely to get killed.

Speaker 3: 10:09

Now, I don't think that's a good thing to go and do like if you, if you've got a threatening former partner, find a baby and put it in their face. But I get the concept, yeah, but this is it kind of is why most relationship and therapists will suggest being child-focused. So if a couple's breaking up and it's starting to get toxic and he said she said or she said she said or whatever, and they're trying to fight to win, we get them to be child-focused and okay, let's do what's best for your child so kids don't get damaged actually from a breakup. Kids get damaged from their parents fighting and toxic fighting.

Speaker 3: 10:54

Yeah. So, whether you stay together, if you stay together and you're fighting, that damages the kids. If you break up and you're fighting, that damages the kids. But if you have an unconscious no, a conscious coupling, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, where you actually put the kids first and there's a lot of goodwill and you don't let your fears get the better of you and you want the best for each other in the breakup and you try to work out win-win ways where you can both still have a good life after the breakup, then that's a conscious coupling.

Speaker 3: 11:28

So, that's what secure people can do, secure attached people can do. But you can learn to have secure attachment and do that if you see a good therapist.

Speaker 2: 11:36

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 11:41

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Speaker 3: 12:17

So let's talk about the other one. Well, avoidant attachments. They're really good at breaking up. They're already half broken up. Every time they're in a relationship anyway, they've got half of one foot in the door and one foot out the door. They're always ready to go. So they're pretty good with breakups. But they might feel the pain later, right, whereas they tend to kind of run at the first sign of imperfection, maybe because they're scared of getting hurt.

Speaker 3: 12:43

So that's why they got avoidant attachment in the first place, because their caregivers when they were little didn't help them feel really loved. So they've learned to be super independent and not they don't like getting dependent on other people, because then they feel at risk. So so they're good at breaking up. But they might realize over time okay, I keep leaving everyone after two years, or I keep leaving everyone after a year. I'd really like to settle down and have a family. So I have to actually learn to stay with someone and I'm starting to get a bit lonely, like you know. I thought it was really cool being able to leave everyone, but no, actually I'm lonely now.

Speaker 2: 13:19

Yeah, and do you sort of find that that is like it's a defence mechanism in that you know I'm going to bail on you before you can hurt me. You know I'm going to bail on you before you can hurt me.

Speaker 3: 13:29

Oh, yes, they can do that. Sometimes that's more of the ambivalent or anxious, fearful attachment, which is more complex, and you'd need to see a therapist if you've got that. So those people can be anxious that they're not getting loved enough and seem quite needy, but then they can be fearful the other person's going to reject them. So they reject them first or they'll sabotage it first by cheating on them or something like that.

Speaker 2: 13:54

So that's more complex, yeah, yeah right yes okay ah, but back to growth, yes not all the pain, yeah, yeah, so that was cheerful, um, but but yeah, look, you know recognising this about yourself and going into those attachment styles and working out you know perhaps where because the aim is is that we do recover from this breakup and we do love again and we do keep our hearts open and we don't turn it to stone. So learning about these parts of ourselves, like our attachment styles, and addressing anything that we might need to address while we're just with ourselves and just having a really good examination of ourselves and pouring love into ourselves, is incredibly helpful. Yes, there is another type, you know, when you might sort of identify as being maybe like a secure attachment, but for whatever reason, separating from a person that you know is bad for you.

Speaker 2: 15:04

Yes, Is really difficult and you can't even make sense of it yourself. You're going. These are all the reasons why this person is terrible. You know, everybody from my family and friends have told me this. Yet I feel like my arm's being cut off and there's a bit of a reason for that.

Speaker 3: 15:22

Absolutely. So that could mean you've got a trauma bond.

Speaker 3: 15:27

Explain trauma bond could mean you've got a trauma bond. Explain trauma bonds? I'd love to so. So, and this is why relationships are growing machines rather than Disney fairy tale machines, right? So hopefully, each breakup you experience, you become a better person and more resilient and more aware of what you do need in your life to feel happy and safe, you know, and more authentically yourself after each breakup. So that's why it's a growing machine and if you're not going in that trajectory, go get some help with a qualified therapist to help you get on that journey.

Speaker 3: 16:02

Yeah, so the difference between a healthy relationship and a trauma bond is, I suppose the difference between a healthy relationship and a trauma bond is, I suppose a healthy partner is consistent, right, and it can feel boring. To a person who's wired for chaos from their childhood it can feel boring, but even to a secure, attached person. So sometimes a dysfunctional partner can act healthy for the first six months and you don't notice it, or you might skip over the red flags, because even secure attached partners get lonely or, you know, want a relationship. We all have a bit of rose-colored glasses on at the first and also you might have eight points in secure attachment and five in anxious, you know or something like that. So a trauma bond partner is inconsistent and unpredictable.

Speaker 3: 16:52

The relationship is explosive and intense from the start. It fluctuates constantly. Mainly you feel a lot of emotional pain but you might be having great sex. Arguments can be irrational. You might feel like you change significantly, like you abandon yourself, your feelings and your needs just to please them, just to stay with them. Your partner is often not responsive to your needs, might end up being abusive or belittling or some forms of mistreatment, but you feel like you would have trouble leaving your partner. It's like an addiction. So you're addicted to the roller coaster and it does trigger the same areas in your brain as a real drug addiction. So it is very hard to leave. That's why it feels like your arm is coming off, because you know it can create some codependence. If we're really caring good-hearted, we might get addicted to rescuing, saving or fixing that person.

Speaker 2: 17:46

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 17:52

And depending on what's happened in our own childhoods. Um say, if we're neglected in our childhood, then we might have formed a relationship in adulthood with someone who's emotionally unavailable, who is neglecting us again. So we might try and change them and think this time our inner child is going, this time, this time I'll get the love yeah you.

Speaker 3: 18:09

I'll prove it that I'm lovable by winning this unavailable person, even though all these available people you don't want who can love you in a healthy way. But it seems boring, yeah, but your inner child has that goal. This time I'll change it. But if your inner adult recognises that and you go, oh, okay, that's why it's feeling like an addiction, okay, this is just a drug withdrawal, I've got to treat it the same as getting off drugs practice heaps of self-care. Do some cognitive behavioural therapy sheets like that challenge my irrational thoughts like, oh, it was the best sex I ever had? Well, was it? Or were you getting a dopamine hit because they were unpredictable? Yeah, so it was like winning a prize when they were nice to you, you know, whereas A healthy person is nice to you all the time. So it doesn't feel like as big a prize chemically, but it is.

Speaker 2: 19:06

Yeah, I mean, look, I've got this. I was a real Eddie Murphy fan when I was growing up.

Speaker 3: 19:13

I love Eddie.

Speaker 2: 19:14

Murphy yeah, and he did this stand-up routine and he says in it you know, if you're in the desert and you're starving and someone throws you a cracker, you go. God damn, that was the best cracker I ever had Mmm.

Speaker 1: 19:27

was that salty?

Speaker 2: 19:28

And it's. We can actually apply that to this.

Speaker 3: 19:32

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 19:34

Yeah, when you're in a relationship with someone who is inconsistent, possibly abusive, you know just up and down or just messed up you never know where you're standing. Yeah, you know, the tiniest little bit breadcrumb that they throw you feels like a lobster meal, yes, Whereas you can have a relationship with someone who you know isn't causing that up and down in you and having lobster every night, but just be a bit like meh.

Speaker 3: 20:05

Yeah, you can take them for granted. Yeah, you just go. Ah, are we having like a four-course dinner again tonight? All right, you know. Yeah, but a crumb from our trauma bond, yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:20

Woo-hoo paid it. So, look, I guess really sitting down with yourself, um, and probably a little bit of distance, we need to get the cortisol out of our system and sort of settle down from that that first initial week of your body just being in in complete, utter red alert. But we can actually learn a lot about how we relate outside of this relationship. On the other side of it, there is that opportunity, should we choose to take it, of self-reflection and learning about ourselves, our values and also what we might like to work on, so that when we do look to pair bond again which as mammals we're very programmed to do we can show up as a really healthy whole version. Because I think there's also a misconception that we talk about it your other half, well, if you're not a whole person. It your other half, well, if you're not a whole person.

Speaker 3: 21:27

Absolutely, that's actually a problematic statement. Yes, yes, definitely. You need to take full responsibility for your own happiness, because otherwise you'll be trapped. If you're dependent on this other partner to make you happy, you won't leave them when they mistreat you yeah but if you can make yourself happy, you kind of go ah you know, if they're not icing on my cake, what do I need them for?

Speaker 2: 21:45

That's right, yeah, when you make them the cake and it's when you make them the cake.

Speaker 3: 21:50

Yes.

Speaker 2: 21:50

And that's laced with cyanide. That's when you have the issue, yeah, and you know, and you think, oh, look at us, go with the analogies. You think I need the cake to survive because I've got to eat something.

Speaker 3: 22:05

Yes, so I'll eat the cyanide laced cake. No, eat carrot sticks celery. Might be boring, but it's good for you.

Speaker 2: 22:15

Absolutely it is. Gab is a qualified relationships and sex therapist, one of my closest friends, but also an excellent, excellent, excellent therapist in her own right. The contact details for Gab are in the show notes, and she does do Zoom and phone consultations as well. If you are connecting with any of this and you want to reach out to Gab, you can find all of the details in the show notes. Thank you so much for joining us for the first time. On how to Hack your Heartbreak, you can find all the details in the show notes. Thank you so much for joining us for the first time. On how To Hack your Heartbreak, Gab.

Speaker 3: 22:47

You're welcome, I love it.

Speaker 1: 22:52

Thanks for listening to how To Hack your Heartbreak. If you enjoyed today's episode, give us a review and subscribe so you never miss an episode.