Curating Your Emotional Recovery Team Post Breakup

Heartbreak can feel like a storm you’ll never emerge from, but what if assembling the right team could change everything? I, Louise Wilkinson, invite you to journey with me through the labyrinth of heartbreak recovery. In our latest episode, we unwrap the powerful influence of a diverse support network, or what I call 'heartbreak homies.' With personal anecdotes and insights, I demonstrate how the fiercely loyal friend who offers tough love, combined with the empathetic confidant who knows your story inside out, can be your anchors during this tumultuous time. Together, we'll explore how to curate a small, effective group to stabilize your emotional recovery process.

Moving beyond the initial shock of heartbreak, let’s tackle the challenge of re-engaging with life and social settings. I share candid experiences of navigating anxiety at social events and underscore the importance of professional support from therapists or coaches. We’ll also discuss the art of setting boundaries with those who, albeit well-intentioned, offer unhelpful advice. Prioritizing self-care by choosing activities that speak to your soul rather than yielding to societal expectations is crucial. As you take your first steps back into the world, I’m here to guide you, ensuring you’re armed with the right support system and strategies for success. Let’s celebrate your progress and prepare for the exciting path that lies ahead.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Heartbreak Recovery With Supportive Friends
• 14:51 Navigating Breakup Recovery Boundaries and Support
• 21:32 Preparing for Heartbreak Recovery Success

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Going through a breakup, Struggling with being all up in your feels, Finding it hard to get through the day. Heartbreak sucks and we've all been there. If you're in need of some life hacks on how to regulate your emotions, practically manage your life and how to rediscover yourself post-breakup, you've come to the right place. This is your roadmap to navigating out of this time in your life with intelligence, humour, sass and a little bit of tough love when you need it. Welcome to how To Hack your Heartbreak with your host, Louise Wilkinson.

Speaker 2: 0:44

We've established that you're in Heartbreak General Hospital for the next seven days. Now, hopefully, you've followed my instructions and you have organized your personal leave and you're settling in to feel all the feels. Julianne has talked about the effects of cortisol and their effects on our bodies and what we can do to immediately start bringing those levels down and getting us back to some sort of equilibrium. Now, whatever you had to tell your boss I'm a vault and there's no judgment. Now I'm just going to speak about COVID for a little while. I know that horrible C word, but there are some interesting parallels that I'd really like to talk about here. So if you were unlucky enough to be hospitalized during the early days well, who am I kidding? Years of the pandemic? You remember that no support system was allowed to visit in any form. It was super tough. There were women birthing babies and they did so without the people that they desperately wanted in the room. People couldn't say goodbye to their loved ones. It was an absolutely horrible time. Now, thankfully, nowadays things have relaxed, but there are limits to who can come and visit in hospital. Now I need you to have that mindset for this week. Hospital Now. I need you to have that mindset for this week. Would you invite that annoying auntie, who always had a rude comment to make about your life choices, to the ward to see you when you were ill? Well, I thought not. You are going to need a small and carefully chosen group of soul sisters and brothers in this first week. This is one of the first times that I've asked you to make a firm decision, so please don't blow it. This will form the core of your breakup recovery team. As the saying goes, too many cooks spoil the pot, so telling your milkman, all of your workmates and your barista all the grimy details of your breakup is probably not advised at this point. You need a small, tight circle around you now until you can get to a point where you're not punch drunk. At least that day is not going to be today. So listen up we are taking a mixed modality approach for your treatment and as such, you are going to need a group of people with mixed personalities in your heartbreak homies posse. If you're feeling particularly sorry for yourself right now, the temptation might be to pick five gentle souls that will bring you ice cream and watch the notebook with you on repeat. This would be a mistake. Helpful as always, I've prepared a list of a mix of ride or dies that you may want to induct into your heartbreak homies posse. You need to ideally pick four from this list. Think about which combination of awesome you feel would fit best for you. I'm going to draw on my own posse here and tell you what they did for me in my breakup recovery journey.

Speaker 2: 3:46

Breakup bestie one the angry one. This one was a no-brainer for me. My bestie of 20 years is a feisty minx with flaming red hair and a temper to match. On countless occasions over the years when I've been wronged in any way, she's asked the exact same question. Do you want me to run them over Now? For the record, I have never given out the exact location of any of my exes, friends or colleagues that have slighted me in the past, lest I see an incident on the news. I jest, I jest. I'm just kidding. But her loyalty and back covering have never been something I have ever doubted for a second. She was more fired up and annoyed about my situation than I was in the early days. I appreciated the text full of colourful language reiterating that it was absolutely screwed up. I deserve better as a goddess in human form, and if she saw him in the street he would know about it. I didn't doubt that for a second. On the flip side, she delivered tough love when I was wavering and she had a strict we are giving no latitude here policy. She wasn't up for his shenanigans, but make no mistake, she wasn't having it from me either. Useful phrases included you dodged a bullet. Really, for God's Sake, get Dressed and many more absolute classics that would make Satan blush that I can't share here. You get the idea. She was my steely backbone when it felt like I was a useless bowl of jelly, and on my bad days she still is. I'm so grateful for her Break up bestie too.

Speaker 2: 5:22

The invested one, aka the assistant detective. This friend has pretty much ridden the wave of the entire relationship with you and probably knows your ex very well. As such, they can appreciate the magnitude of the breakup and how devastated you are, and probably have their own emotions and feelings about your breakup, because, well, they care deeply about both of you. This beautiful soul will help you sift through the wreckage in an effort to find the black box and will gently remind you of all those not so perfect times that perhaps you, in your love-lorn state have conveniently forgotten. There is a huge comfort in not having to rehash every detail of your relationship, because they were there for you during it and you know that the advice they give about where to go from here is coming from an authentic and well-balanced place. They wanted to see this work too. This friend will be the one to update you first with any developments, as the person with all of the prior history and knowledge Because they know both of you, they can anticipate any potential potholes and run interference for you if necessary. And in fact I should have purchased for my gorgeous human a Hy-Vee's vest and a stop-go sign. She did such a great job.

Speaker 2: 6:37

It should be noted that this friend should ideally not be someone you met through your ex, as someone in his close friends group. The best way to gauge this is to ask yourself the question if you and your ex were getting married I know that's a preposterous thought at this point, but stick with me. What side of the church would they sit on? So as much as you loved his best mate like a brother? Yeah, probably not your guy. Break up bestie three, the one who asks the question, aka the mirror.

Speaker 2: 7:11

I have a friend that unfortunately doesn't own a television, or at least that's what I figure because she has five children, her life is an absolute chaotic mess. She has children, a uni degree, a husband with a disability, part-time work and homeschooling her teenager. The list goes on. She also lives 10 hours away from me, but here is what she did Each and every day for three months. She found the time to call, facetime or message and she always asked the same question how are you? It was always in the same quiet, compassionate and comforting voice. But what it did was it forced me to check in on myself on a daily basis, because I trust her implicitly. I always answered honestly. I can pretty much track my ups and downs, my good days, my bad days and my absolutely hellish days by our message chain. The important thing here is she wasn't after the tea or wanted the drama of the ins and outs of the breakup. Sure, she would always take my call if I wanted to vent. And even if she had a baby hanging off her boob, a toddler trashing the lounge room or a teenager sulking, she always, but that was never her focus. In her gentle and compassionate way, she held a mirror up to me every day and asked me to check in with myself. Be it a good day or a bad day, her support and encouragement was always the same, never any judgment or unhelpful suggestions. Just love suggestions, just love. Break up. Bestie four the practical.

Speaker 2: 8:53

My mate, dan, is one hell of a woke bloke. He can't take all the credit, his wife had a shitload to do with it and is equally as legendary. I'm lucky enough to also call him my boss. When I first met Dan, by his own admission, he was determined not to like me as a radio presenter and throw me out on my ear. After my radio test inevitably sucked Well. Plot twist, I surprised him and he ended up giving me my own show, even though I was green AF at this presenting stuff. Over the years we've discussed some pretty heavy shit, vented our asses off and had some great roll on the floor, laughing moments both on and off air. He's one of my favourite people on the planet.

Speaker 2: 9:33

He was obviously one of the first people I told about my breakup owing to the fact that we had a presenters meeting the very next day and I wasn't about to turn up to it. A blithering mess. On that call. He listened, he empathised with his signature mate and he let me off the hook with the meeting. I was grateful I needed to muster my non-existent energy and acting skills to get back on the air the next day. I just needed 24 hours.

Speaker 2: 10:03

But here's what Dan did next. He called me back and first of all apologised that he was so under the pump that he couldn't drop everything and run over to my place with a bottle of scotch, as the situation clearly warranted. But what he said next blew me away, mate. He said this is huge and I want to be of practical help. I reckon the last thing that you need is having to deliver a show every day and pretending to be all happy and chatty right now. If you need time off, just say the word.

Speaker 2: 10:35

I was in no state to deliver a show, but it hadn't entered my head to let the team down. The relief that not only did my employer grasp the magnitude of what had just happened in my life, but cared enough to offer a practical solution, was immense. I went off the air for close to two weeks. It was absolutely critical to my progress and I was given time and space and grace. I don't believe that I would be as far down the road of processing and healing from this breakup if I didn't have it. If you're an employer and you're listening to this, take note. Don't be an insensitive dick. Be like Dan.

Speaker 1: 11:16

Did you know that you can get a whole heap of exclusive content, tips and tricks and support by joining the Heartbreak Hackers Facebook group for as little as the cost of a cup of coffee per week? Louise does a live Q&A every month, links helpful articles and shares interviews with experts exclusive to the group each month as well. Simply head over to howtohackyourheartbreakcom and sign up via the link on the homepage.

Speaker 2: 11:46

Breakup Bestie 5. The Solidarity Sister. This is the one who is or has recently gone through a breakup For me. This was a Facebook friend that I wouldn't say was in my inner circle, but I could tell from her statuses that she was going through her own fresh hell, and I reached out. Over the past few months we've sent each other comforting texts, shared funny memes and I even asked her if she would be my guinea pig for how to hack your heartbreak by listening to draft episodes. There have been times when we've reached for the phone on a particularly rough day or there's been a traumatic event, and I can't tell you how amazing it's been to have someone there who gets where you're at in an instant, because they have been there themselves. We push each other forward, understand the bad days and usually sign off with. We are strong women and we can get through anything. It really is a game changer. Break up bestie number six the isolation breaker.

Speaker 2: 12:50

As a result of the pandemic and lockdowns, there's been a subconscious shift in our mindsets in terms of leaving the house and socialising. Let's think about it. We had to stay home to stay safe and we learned to adapt to living, working and communicating with the outside world from our own little banana bread scented bubble. Extroverts hated it, but as an introvert, was kind of my dream. I organised my cupboards home edit style, I cooked and I spent many hours reading, scrolling socials and never missed the 11am press conference to give us the numbers for the day. I was fully aware that with this breakup I would want to hibernate, know thyself right, and for the first week or so that was wholly appropriate. Now we all know that there are those friends who have been in your life forever, that in your relationship you kind of ran out of time, for we're all guilty of it. And when a relationship is our main focus, as well as juggling family life, work and all of the stuff, some of your tribe are stuck in an endless text conversation loop of oh my god, things are so hectic. We'll totally catch up soon.

Speaker 2: 14:03

And so it was with my friend Trace, who I've known for over 20 years. I'd moved far enough away in the time that I was with my partner to rule out spontaneous catch-ups, and life and love had taken me pretty much off the social scene Upon hearing the news and having been around for long enough in my life to know that I had well and truly had enough of the curveballs of mammoth proportions being lobbed at me. Trace grasped the situation and immediately sent a big bunch of flowers, along with a phone call offering support whenever I needed it. She checked in. She respected the fact that I wasn't too keen on leaving my house straight away, but after a decent amount of time she got me out of the house and back into circulation, carefully considering the circles we were mingling and that they had nothing to do with my ex.

Speaker 2: 14:51

The first was a rooftop New Year's Eve party at one of our closest friends. That was invite only. And the second was a sporting event, but in a restricted access area no random lunches where I could run into his friends who, by the way, I adored and I most certainly would have ugly cried on should I have seen them and no couple heavy engagements. With that stress off, I could dip my toe back into civilization again with reduced anxiety. I know we are only in the very beginning here and you're not looking to frock up anytime soon, but a glimmer of hope should be this. I went, I wore a daring dress that I hadn't worn in 10 years thanks to my heartbreak weight loss, and I had a great time. Nobody died, it's possible, so stick with me. And lastly, lucky number seven the coach or the therapist.

Speaker 2: 15:42

I can't recommend this highly enough and thanks to modern technology, you can pretty much access coaches and therapists from all over the world from the comfort of your own lounge room. There are self-paced online courses, there are groups and there are one-on-one sessions available. It really helps to have a person removed from the situation to reassure, illuminate and encourage on this journey. Don't forget this is a major event in your life. We think nothing of dropping money on gym memberships, but I believe it's critically important to do the inner work as well.

Speaker 2: 16:16

Of course, therapy can be an expensive process and you will generally find that coaches and therapists who want to help have different pricing options and no pressure to commit to multiple sessions, unless you choose to. I was already a qualified life coach before I started this heartbreak journey and I've developed a few different options for you. If you would like to work with me, my Facebook group has exclusive extra content not shown on my socials, for the cost of a cup of coffee a week. There's also a self-paced course with a load of resources for wherever you find yourself in your heartbreak journey and I do offer one-on-one coaching for a very reasonable fee. If you would like a personalized session, you can find all of the links in the show notes or visit howtohackyourheartbreakcom for all of the information. I'd love to help.

Speaker 2: 17:04

Just as important as your carefully chosen heartbreak homies in a circle is your breakup blacklist. These are friends, family, acquaintances or colleagues who are, shall we say, unhelpful for a variety of reasons. Now, there's no doubt that breakups are awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, and at times when people say these things, they may be unconsciously saying it to make themselves feel better. You see, nobody likes the confident, vivacious queen that you are reduced to rubble In their minds. It feels off, and they want the status quo to return as quickly as possible. So here are some unhelpful phrases from people that you really don't need right now. Plenty more fish in the sea, yes, but right now I'm grieving my fish, so please let me have my moment. Oh, but you're so strong. Thank you for that assessment. It's not helping. Please stop projecting how you want me to be coping onto me and let me work through this in my own way. Me, and let me work through this in my own way.

Speaker 2: 18:14

Get back on Tinder immediately or the old chestnut the fastest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else. You are probably in this position because your partner had been wounded, didn't deal with it and has now pushed their unresolved issues onto you. Do you really want to continue that cycle. Heal your shit, learn your lessons and then you can show up properly in the dating world. You should just get on with it. Stiff up a lip, yeah, because stuffing down your feelings and pretending everything is okay is such a genius move, isn't it? Oh, thank God, I hated him. I thought he was not a match for you at all. Okay, this is going to get real awkward if you end up reconciling. But that aside, their opinion doesn't matter. They may think that they are showing support, but they're invalidating how you feel in this moment and what that person meant to you. Not helpful, oh well, maybe he just wasn't that serious about you and you misread it. Just wasn't that serious about you and you misread it. Okay, so back up, were they there for every intimate conversation that you had that led you to believe that this thing had legs? Probably not.

Speaker 2: 19:33

Is it okay for a person, male or female, to not invest properly in a connection, be completely transactional in what they took from the other person who was invested, and then people lay the responsibility of the relationship failing at the feet of the dumpee for not recognising that they were being played. That's up there with what were you wearing to an assault victim? Well, with my breakup, nobody cares, Karen, I know let's get drunk, stonedoned, high, whatever to numb it out. Well, that's fantastic advice that will help. Only good things happen with an emotionally unregulated person. Alcohol and technology right. Things could be worse. My friend just got diagnosed with cancer. Well, I don't really have anywhere to go with that. But thanks for validating my experience and you'll feel so much better if you just People suggested jogging. I hate jogging, partying, going on a trip and a host of different things that would make them feel better, but I had my own jam.

Speaker 2: 20:39

A better question might be what do you need? Anything that minimizes your pain, invalidates your experience or asks you to suck it up, stuff it down or otherwise feels abrasive to you in your tender state is just not on. You don't need to be impolite or confrontational if you don't feel like it, but you do need to set a boundary with this person so they won't be up in your grill. Right now, with everything that's going on, having to be resilient because of an unhelpful or insensitive person doesn't need to be on your to-do list. Maybe these people will be more tolerable when you are on your game, but for now, assess who is likely to give you grief and tactfully navigate away from them for the time being. You need a tight group of ride or dies and a few people connected to your family or workplace who you may need to let know for context.

Speaker 2: 21:31

That's it. You're about to be released from Heartbreak General Hospital and back into the wild with your carefully chosen herd. You've survived week one and at least you're somewhat upright. I'm super proud of you. We have a few crucial things to consider next week, so ensure that you have all of your triage notes, your treatment plan and your support people in place. I'll see you next week at the discharge desk. I'm Louise Wilkinson, and this is how To Hack your Heartbreak.

Speaker 1: 22:05

Thanks for listening to how to Hack your Heartbreak. You can follow for daily heartbreak tips on Facebook, instagram or TikTok at how to Hack your Heartbreak.