Rebuilding Yourself One Step at a Time After A Breakup

Breakups are tough, but what if you could navigate them with intelligence, humor, and a touch of tough love? Join me, Louise Wilkinson, as we embark on "How to Hack Your Heartbreak," where the first step is embracing the raw, unfiltered emotions of heartbreak. No soldiering on here; allow yourself a compassionate break to fully process your feelings. This isn't the time for distractions—it's about facing your new reality head-on, much like taking leave after a loss. We'll explore the liberation found in acknowledging your pain and setting the stage for a balanced recovery. Think of this as your emotional boot camp, where feeling is healing.

As we journey through this emotional labyrinth, discover the essential self-care strategies for making it through the first tumultuous week. Imagine being in a hospital where your needs come first—this is your time to prioritize without guilt. From initiating a “press embargo” to maintain privacy, to the vital practice of radio silence allowing emotions to settle, every step is crafted for clarity and healing. Plus, I introduce the "Heartbreak ICU" course and offer private sessions for those needing tailored guidance. All the resources to guide your recovery are at howtohackyourheartbreak.com. Together, we’ll navigate this challenging time and emerge stronger, wiser, and ready for what lies ahead.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Breakup Emotions
• 5:08 Self-Care Strategies After a Breakup
• 18:04 Navigating Heartbreak Recovery Resources

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Going through a breakup, Struggling with being all up in your feels, Finding it hard to get through the day. Heartbreak sucks and we've all been there. If you're in need of some life hacks on how to regulate your emotions, practically manage your life and how to rediscover yourself post-breakup, you've come to the right place. This is your roadmap to navigating out of this time in your life with intelligence, humour, sass and a little bit of tough love when you need it. Welcome to how To Hack your Heartbreak with your host, Louise Wilkinson host Louise Wilkinson.

Speaker 2: 0:51

Today's episode is called Languish in the Anguish and it's all about that. First week Now. We've already triaged, we've kind of got some strategies around dealing with the cortisol and we've settled you into whatever ward of Heartbreak General Hospital your breakup warrants. Now I'm not going to lie to you. A breakup is a marathon, not a sprint. And here you stand at the starting line of your new reality. It's a weird place to be in. In this first week the breakup is still fresh enough for you to still feel absolutely connected to your ex. The breakup is still fresh enough for you to still feel absolutely connected to your ex, mainly because they will consume your every waking moment and the reality of stepping out into the world on your own again hasn't hit Now.

Speaker 2: 1:40

I'm big on analogies and I liken this time to a death in the family in the week preceding the funeral. In that week you understand on an intellectual level that that person is gone. However, your days are consumed with organizing tributes, going over your interactions together in your mind and running on adrenaline in the lead up to the final goodbyes. It almost feels like they are still here and perhaps just on holidays for a few days. It's usually after things have settled down, after the funeral, that the rubber really hits the road in terms of really feeling that person's absence. So I ask you, what do you do when a relative passes away? Does your boss demand that you're at the coalface first thing the next morning, or are you granted some compassionate leave? I guess in most cases the latter.

Speaker 2: 2:28

A breakup is a special kind of hell because you are grieving someone who still walks the earth and while with the death of a loved one, you find some comfort in those suffering the same loss as yourself. But a breakup is pretty much an individual process. Sure, you will have some friends and family, and in some cases children, who will all feel the effects of your split, but for the most part none will feel the same effects as you do losing an intimate partner. So here is my first bit of immediate practical advice Take three days off. I said what I said you need to allow yourself three days to be a hot mess and at least begin the process of intellectualizing what has happened. Take a few personal days, sick leave or even annual leave. This is very important. Skip this step at your peril. Now you may think that you're tough soldiering on, but how are you going to feel if you end up launching across the table at an unsuspecting colleague who made an off-of-the-cuff remark that hit you where it hurt, or if you collapsed in the bathroom sobbing, only to be discovered by Karen from Accounts, who's lived with her cats for 20 years and thinks relationships are a complete waste of time? She offers you zero sympathy or helpful advice. Who's lived with her cats for 20 years and thinks relationships are a complete waste of time? She offers you zero sympathy or helpful advice. Not very good, I'd imagine.

Speaker 2: 3:54

A workplace is an environment where people from all walks of life are thrown together by happenstance. You may be lucky enough to have genuine friends at work, or even a work wife or hubby that rides the corporate wave with you, but they are rarely your ride or dies. Not exactly an environment that you want to be in. When your world has been turned upside down, get out of there. You need to pull yourself together first. Be sensible, she says, knowing full well that the chemicals and hormones are going crazy in your system right now and that means that you're anything but rational and sensible. But listen to me, take the time. No, this is not a holiday to the Maldives. It's not going to be fun at all. But here is the crux of the strategy you've got to feel it, to heal it, to move through this process as efficiently as possible. You cannot stuff down your raging emotions in the first few days and hope to come out of this a well-balanced human. You get no medals for being brave or finding every distraction under the sun, while telling everyone that will listen that you just don't care. I hate to tell you this, but no one believes you and you're being ridiculous. So have you got your leaves sorted? Great, let's move on.

Speaker 2: 5:08

First week hack number two cry it out. Here is your permission to eat a tub of ice cream. Watch the notebook and sob uncontrollably. Your first and only consideration should be yourself. Let it out Now for me. I was in such deep shock that I found it very difficult to cry, but I felt that emotion welling up in me like lava in a volcano. It was bubbling, rolling and churning up my insides. I knew it needed to come out, just like that juicy pimple on your chin that's just begging to be squeezed, and I knew it would be satisfying when it popped. I don't know if anyone else likes popping pimples, but it's one of my things.

Speaker 2: 5:54

There are actually real benefits to crying. I'm actually quite envious of people who can do it at the drop of a hat. On this podcast, we have talked about the stress chemicals being released into our system, number one being cortisol, and how, in this first week, we need to try and get our levels down to function Well. Here's a fun fact about crying when studied under a microscope, emotional tears actually contain that stress hormone and toxins. Your body is literally purging itself of cortisol like a boss. When you are letting the tears flow. It also activates something called the parasympathetic nervous system, which allows our body to rest and digest, thus having a soothing effect. To rest and digest, thus having a soothing effect. And, if you can believe this, as the cherry on top, your body rewards you for having a good howl by releasing feel-good hormones into the body that will actually make you feel better after you cry. I'd just like to take a moment to acknowledge how amazing our bodies actually are. They really do have our backs if we tune in and listen. Bodies actually are. They really do have our backs if we tune in and listen.

Speaker 2: 7:04

First week hack number three be selfish. Now just a reminder you are still on the ward at Heartbreak General Hospital. So all the care, the meals and the treatment is focused on you, which is exactly where it should be. Barring commitments to children, your focus should be on no one but yourself. How pissed would you be if you were in hospital and the nurses and doctors gave your medicine to someone else your work colleagues, your friends and family or, god forbid, your ex? Well, exactly, you need to be wholly and solely focused on yourself and what you need physically and emotionally.

Speaker 2: 7:41

When that old chestnut guilt crops up, I like to remind myself of when I had COVID. I couldn't go anywhere. I was actually quite sick and I couldn't get up to feed myself, and I for sure couldn't do my radio show with a voice that sounded like Barry White. What about my broadcast audience? What would happen if I didn't go to work? I'd have to reschedule my lunch date with Gabrielle, and I'd rescheduled that three times already. Would the world turn without me for my isolation period? Well, it turns out it did. I adapted, my friends, my work colleagues and my family adapted, and the sky was still above my head. Chicken Little, who knew? This is a time to allow yourself the space to cry when you want to eat when you want to sleep when you want to, and get your body back to equilibrium after a traumatic event. Now is not the time to climb Everest. Your mountain for now is putting your feet on the floor every morning. So just do that unapologetically. It's all about you for now.

Speaker 2: 8:47

First week hack number four the press embargo. A press embargo is a term used in the media world which essentially puts a time frame on what information can be released to the public after the fact. For example, j-lo's publicist may have written a press release about her nuptials to Mr Affleck on the day of the wedding, but on the press release she sends to the media it has a line that says embargoed until insert date, which means media are obliged to sit on that information until the requested date and time, which in J-Lo's case was probably after they had left for the honeymoon in an undisclosed location. Fair enough, it avoided a media frenzy.

Speaker 2: 9:31

Depending on where you sit on the emotional scale, you probably have an itch to release a statement in a variety of ways. You may want to change your status back to single on Facebook. You may want to do a long-winded post on how your ex has done you dirty and tag his mother. You may want to take out a billboard advertising campaign. You may want to do a passive-aggressive, vague quote that elicits an are you okay, hun, from nosy FB connections that you haven't heard from in 20 years, and you reply I'll PM you. Don't be that person. We are doing this the classy way.

Speaker 2: 10:11

For the first three days you will do none of these things. In fact, it's preferable that you don't post at all. Embargo all outgoing announcements of any kind. By the end of the week you will have calmed down enough to be able to assemble your heartbreak homies, your ultimate support team. But more about that in the next episode. But for now, sit tight. We are only concerned with ridding yourself of these pesky stress chemicals so that you can think and act clearly and with intention back away from the devices. I mean it. You will totally regret this later.

Speaker 1: 10:52

Sometimes, when we are looking for answers, we just need an outside objective and compassionate viewpoint and a personalized plan to navigate out of heartbreak. Louise is a qualified life coach who can help you access the unique circumstances of your breakup, extract the lessons and give you the support you need to move forward. With her one-on-one personalized coaching sessions held online via zoom you don't even need to leave your house or a good private coaching session with Louise via howtohackyourheartbreakcom forward slash coaching.

Speaker 2: 11:29

First week, hack number five radio silence. Okay, I know I give out a lot of tough love at times, and some of it you haven't, or won't in the future, want to hear, but I'm going to be a bit gentle with you here. I know it's shocking because I can be, you know, a little bit militant at times. I grant you A lot of breakup coaches are big fans of the block your ex immediately philosophy. However, I think, given that our chemical cocktail is currently being shaken and not stirred in our bodies, it's too soon to make a decision like that. We need to take inventory, we need to weigh everything up and, most importantly, we need to let the dust settle. Blocking is, by its nature, a very aggressive move, and remember, we are doing this the classy way. On the flip side of that, here's the bit that's going to be less palatable. It's absolutely necessary to give yourself and your ex some space immediately after the breakup. No good can come of maintaining constant contact, looking at their feed or skewing your content to reach him subliminally. I do understand, though, that blocking someone straight out of the gate is a bridge too far, so let's compromise. Shall we? Facebook Messenger, instagram and Snapchat all have a mute feature. This is very handy at this time. You don't unfriend or block the person, but you don't see their stuff in your newsfeed. You don't see when they are active in the chat or receive notifications if they do message you, and you can also modify Facebook in the take a break feature to prevent them seeing your posts and stories. There is no notification at their end, but it will limit the exposure that you have to them, and this is all important in the recovery stage. You both need a step back, regardless of who ended things. You may also want to mute close friends and family members who are likely to tag or post about your ex. Any limits that you can put around incoming communication is a positive. You can make ongoing decisions about how to handle contact in the next week, but for now, do yourself a favor Go dark and don't look to social media as a way to stay connected to them in the early days. It won't help, trust me. I wish I had known about this soft mute feature in the early days of my breakup. It really would have made a lot of difference.

Speaker 2: 13:57

First week hack number six Create physical distance If you don't live together, of course, finding the space to go through. Your three-day me-fest is going to be relatively easy, unless there is something of huge value or something that you need for your everyday life, like a laptop. There is no need to swap possessions this first week. If it is something that you need urgently, organise to get it dropped off when you aren't home, or to a trusted friend or family member, this will be the only reason you should need to communicate with your ex this week and you need to keep it short. Address the request and say thank you. That's it. No deviating to the thoughts and feelings of the breakup in any way. No, deviating to the thoughts and feelings of the breakup in any way. Do not engage.

Speaker 2: 14:46

If you live together, it can be a little bit more challenging, particularly when there are children involved. At this raw stage, any talk about logistics or moving is probably going to be a little bit overwhelming and unproductive For the first week. Put as much physical distance between the two of you as practically possible. Maybe you might go home to your parents' place for a few days, or perhaps it's more practical to ask him to stay at his mate Steve's for a few nights. If both of these options are impossible, try to create zones in the house, including separate sleeping arrangements, to give yourself and them some alone time. The three days post-breakup are probably not the best time to pull children into your emotional vortex, which is not in a balanced state, so avoid that your parents are separating chat until you can both stand to have a logistical conversation about how to approach it with your children sensitively. I'll be sure to cover this in more depth in an upcoming episode, but remember our whole focus this week is to let the dust and chemicals settle.

Speaker 2: 15:54

First week hack number seven the day four soft launch. We have to navigate through these first three days in a swirl of tissues, sweats, messy buns and tubs of Baskin Robbins, but we can't stay like this forever, as much as we probably want to. Day four to seven represent a chemical lull. We have a few more chemical Molotov cocktails to come. I'm sorry you don't need to hear that right now, but for this point in time, the cortisol is starting to diminish.

Speaker 2: 16:26

On day four, after a rigorous few days of crying it out, eating and just going through it as you need to, you need to get moving in some capacity. The first thing that I want you to do on rising on day four is to open the curtains. Natural sunlight will boost your mood Even better. Get into the sunshine and soak up the vitamin D, even if it's just for five minutes at the start of the day. Even better. With your morning beverage of choice in hand, ground yourself by walking barefoot in any dirt that you have access to. Next, you want to take a shower, and if you're feeling sluggish or even distressed, blast yourself with cold water. It will help put you back into the present moment and give your nervous system a reboot. Today, you're going to want to assemble your support system and venture outside the house. So dress in something nice, brush your hair and step over the threshold. If you don't need to go back to work, go and get a nice coffee, go for a walk or go buy yourself a nice candle to boost your mood.

Speaker 2: 17:34

In our next session, we're going to be talking about assembling your heartbreak homies, so grab your pen and paper and get ready to strategize. I know that you still feel like absolute dog's balls and you've already survived four days, one foot in front of the other. You got this. If you want a more in-depth dive into hacks to reset your nervous system, a how-to on adjusting settings on your social media and a list of supplements and tools that you may need during this horrific first week. I got you covered. You can find all of this in my self-paced heartbreak ICU course, which holds your hand through the first month of your breakup, or you can book a private session with me to tailor a plan specific to your situation. You can find all the resources and links that you need at howtohackyourheartbreakcom. I've been Louise Wilkinson. Thanks for listening to another episode. I look forward to seeing you next week. This is how To Hack your Heartbreak.

Speaker 1: 18:37

Thanks for listening to how To Hack your Heartbreak. If you're keen to dive into your breakup and healing a little more, you can purchase a self-paced course for wherever you find yourself on your heartbreak journey via the website howtohackyourheartbreakcom.